You are more than what you do
Have you ever had the experience where you check a lot off your to-do list, but you don’t know the impact of those tasks? Or the volume of your output alone makes you indispensable, but you feel under-appreciated?
Our bet is yes, you’re familiar with these experiences. You’re not alone. We hear this from women all the time.
What fuels those experiences
Imagine you’re sitting in a meeting with your boss.
They say something like:
“Good job coordinating that meeting between product and eng.”
“Nice work building that sales deck.”
“You lead that negotiation well with the client.”
“Your delivery time was fast.”
What does it feel like for you, in this moment, to imagine receiving those words?
Now imagine that you’re in that same meeting, and instead you hear something like this from your boss:
“You are resourceful”
“You are determined.”
“You are collaborative.”
“You are a connector.”
How do those words feel?
What acknowledgment looks like
The first scenario above is a call out of something you DID. An accomplishment. A visible task you checked off. An outward expression of your value.
Society conditions us to recognize and appreciate these do-ings. By that logic, if you stop DOING, or do less, your perceived value decreases.
The second scenario recognizes who you’re BEING when you do something. This is the truth of who you are, regardless of your quantity of output. This type of recognition lets people feel seen and appreciated. This is an acknowledgement.
When you appreciate solely what someone does, it’s
Harder for them to see the unique value they provide.
Easier for them to dismiss.
Short lived.
People can't decipher their unique value from recognition centered on their tasks. This kind of recognition feels generic. Anyone can coordinate a meeting, build a deck or wrap up a negotiation. It’s a little like saying “thanks for being a cog in the machine.”
For someone to feel appreciated, they need an acknowledgment.
The building blocks of a good acknowledgement
An acknowledgment is a learned skill that’s actually quite simple.
There are three building blocks of any good acknowledgement, including:
It begins with the words “You are.”
It focuses on a quality of the person.
It’s delivered succinctly, not filling the silence afterward.
Don’t be surprised if acknowledgement feels a little uncomfortable at first — particularly the part in step three where you pause to let the acknowledgment sit. It may feel scary, like you’re going out on a limb by daring to say what you see.This is a sign you’re doing it right. It’s scary because it requires vulnerability and courage on your part.
Acknowledgments are hard to receive
Even once you master offering an acknowledgment, people, especially women, may not be able to receive it. Society teaches women not to stand out. One of the results of this messaging is that women often dismiss an acknowledgment.
These dismissals sound like:
“It was no big deal, really.”
“It was easy to do.”
“Well, you really helped me along the way.”
“Sally in accounting did most of the work.”
“I barely had to do anything.”
“It is my job, after all.”
“I should have involved Tom earlier in the project.”
What to do when receiving acknowledgements is hard for you
If you’re a woman who struggles to receive acknowledgment, take these steps next time someone acknowledges you:
Embody the words you’ve received. When you receive acknowledgment, notice what happens in your body. Does your throat contract? Do you hold your breath? Instead, breathe in the words down to your belly. Let them soak into your core.
Simplify your reply. A straightforward thank you will do. Then let a moment of silence rest before moving the conversation forward.
Why acknowledgement matters
The experience of acknowledgement is rare. Your own worry about your value indicates this. Learning to both deliver a meaningful acknowledgement and receive acknowledgments is powerful. It requires vulnerability and courage in both directions.
And therein lies the magic. model an antidote to the message that women should not stand out. The world needs you standing out.
Participants in our programs practice the skill of acknowledgment. This is purposeful.
Acknowledgment is why so many program alumni report seeing their value, often for the first time. The raises, promotions and job changes follow afterward. 70% of our alumni experience that impact. This really matters.
Call for reflection:
Who is someone in your life who feels under-appreciated? Give them a gift by acknowledging them using the building blocks we’ve outlined.
Shine On,
Alicia